Saturday, February 20, 2010

Alone in a Train Full of People

I have been exhausted over the past week. I even tweeted yesterday: “I have to rub ice around my eyes to keep them open. So tired!” I realize I can’t take it, it’s too much. I need to rethink this new life and reorganize my timetable.

But I think the main thing that’s been killin’ me is my lack of “thinking time”. All I need is some peace. It’s so tiring to be out the whole day, then doing music music music, and when I come home, I still hear music because my sisters are practicing. Ahh! I barely have time for quietness. Now I realize how important my “thinking time” is. Like my dad said, “You are the product of your thoughts.” I am very much a thinking person.

It is amazing how we can talk to ourselves. Silent talk, no one can hear that inner voice. It’s what keeps me alive. We are nothing without our thoughts.

Yesterday, while in the train, I typed a note on my phone:

I am on a train, surrounded by a cacophony of human voices. I can make out none of them. Only the voice in my head speaks. Although I am on a train full of people, I am alone.

I try to find some quiet and peace inside. But I’ve lost it. My mind is clouded over. I'm too tired to carry on a purposeful train of thought. How am I gonna’ get through the rest of the year if this is my 3rd week and I’m already feeling so tired? I realize I need to rethink everything. I need to find my bearings again and get a clear direction. Or else I cannot advance, I cannot improve my music.

For the past 3 weeks I’ve been trying to practice as much as time permits. But it’s been difficult to manage and keep everything together. It’s like picking up many things at one time, and inevitably, some things fall out of my grasp. When I try to pick one up, something else falls out! So I need to stop. Put it all down, sort everything properly, and start again. I can’t do everything half-half. I feel too tired mentally and physically. And really, if I’m tired mentally, I am practically half dead.

Well that’s my life now. It’s not a bad thing – I just need to adapt to this new life. I am very much enjoying it – so much learning, everyday music, doing what I love – what more can I ask for? I just need to trust God always and wait on Him. No use pushing so hard with my own strength if I do not rely on God. Going to VCASS has made me realize how very tiny I am. It’s a new learning curve. When I thought I’ve gotten somewhere, I realize that I’ve only just begun!

And while I was worrying about all these things, I believe God brought to my mind this refreshing promise from Isaiah 40:30-31:

“Even the youths shall faint and be weary, and the young men shall utterly fall:
But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.”

It actually came in a form of a song. I remember it was a song that my mum used to sing with me and my sisters in morning devotions. After hearing it in my head, I immediately felt the cloud of worries evaporate. There was a little peace for me. And I know, only God can give such peace.

The Visitors