Saturday, October 31, 2009

The Heat Is BACK

Wahoo, this is the happiest day of my life!

Haha, no, I’m sure it isn’t the happiest – just exaggerating. But yes, the heat is back. I’m so glad I can finally wear shorts and take a cold shower! It actually feels like I’m in M’sia when it’s really hot and sunny – minus the humidity. I asked my sisters and mum earlier, “Which do you prefer? Heat or cold?” Jirene and Janna answered “Of course the cold is better!” But my mum and I preferred the heat.

Winter had taken its toll on me the past 4 months. I realized that the temperature and weather actually affects me a lot. I started to wake up at the last minute for school every morning, which caused my sisters a great deal of “stress” (having to wake me up) because they were so enthusiastic about going to school. My eating habits also change “drastically” and in my opinion, disastrously: I started eating more chips and donuts for afternoon snacks (which I never did in M’sia). I felt very bad about my “monstrous” eating habits – which I’m sure isn’t actually that bad. xD But compared to when it wasn’t winter, it seems quite appalling. I know, I know: how can I be telling you this?! :P

Apart from eating & sleeping habits, I also realize that I became less “outgoing” in school. I got bored of talking to people and getting to know others because I was too busy thinking of myself. I did still make an effort to ask questions, but I wasn't as enthusiastic. I don’t know why, but I became a very selfish person. Maybe I shouldn’t blame the season, or the weather. Maybe I’ve always been very selfish anyway. Most of the time, I felt like I was in my own world. On the many cold mornings I just wanted to stay under the blanket and not face another dreary school day.

After a while everything got pretty dull. I had to wear the same clothes every day – and on weekends, rotated between the same 4 jumpers/coat and 3 layers underneath. Everyday I would dread taking a shower: for fear of turning off the warm water and feeling the rush of cold air freeze me. Also, my hands were always cold – that made playing the piano even tougher.

But by the grace of God, I honestly say that the only 3 things that KEPT ME ALIVE in winter was my family, music (mostly piano) and most of all, God. Nothing else helped me survive. Thank God for the “light at the end of the tunnel”: the promise of warmth and heat and being able to dress more colourfully in spring & summer! Hahaha. =)

However, the strange thing is, I think the winter months were the most important months in my journey of growing in God. The winter months were also the peak of my life in music thus far. I also learned to stand alone, although it was and is still a tough thing to do. But of course, I really am not standing alone, because I know God is by my side and His Spirit renews my heart, mind and soul each day.

There were days when I felt like a loser. I felt terrible. I didn’t like myself. I knew I was selfish and irresponsible. Now I knew I could have done more. I could have done better. But that’s the past. What can I do if I can’t change the past? I can only change the present. It is easy to say all this when now it is nice and warm and I no longer feel loser-ish. (God help me.)

But on the other hand, I must admit that on the days when I felt hopeless, I discovered God more. So which is better? To feel good and not know God or have the desire to seek Him, or to feel bad and end up turning to God and discovering another bit of eternity? I realize that perhaps the latter is better – although it hurts.

So yes, although I did not enjoy the winter months, I now see that God had made it a worthwhile crossover even with all the unpleasant things to go with. God made it bearable enough because He was there with me. Now in 5 days time, it will be our first anniversary of living in Melbourne. All thanks be to God our strength and Provider. =)

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